Supporting Yourself When Your Partner Has OCD

Being in a relationship with someone who has OCD can feel like holding two truths at once. You love them deeply. And sometimes, their OCD feels like a lot.

You probably feel protective of them and their OCD. You may feel frustrated because of your partner’s OCD at times. You may also feel guilty for feeling frustrated. 

When you expect yourself to be steady, rational, ‘always has to keep things stable when your partner’s OCD gets loud,’ it’s hard. And it’s totally okay to say that. 

Last year, we wrote a blog about how involving partners can support OCD treatment. And today, we want to share one for the partners.

Let’s talk about supporting YOU while loving someone with OCD. 

Setting Boundaries with Your Partner’s OCD

We’re big believers that boundaries and love can exist at the same time. In fact, when someone has OCD, boundaries are a very loving thing you can offer (for both them and yourself!)

At Soultality Psychotherapy in Boston, MA, we use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD. ERP teaches individuals to tolerate anxiety and intrusive thoughts without performing compulsions.

And while you aren’t the person in the relationship with the OCD, those same principles are very important when it comes to setting boundaries. When you repeatedly reassure, check, adjust, or participate in rituals, it may bring short-term relief for your partner. But over time, it strengthens the OCD cycle. Boundaries are a great way to help interrupt that cycle.

Let’s break down some of the boundaries you can put in place:

First Things First: Being a Partner ≠, Being Their Therapist

It’s very common when you love someone with OCD to feel like you need to step in and help reduce their anxiety in the moment. You may find yourself answering reassuring questions, helping them think things through, or trying to quickly calm down their spirals.

All of that ^^^ comes from a place of love, but we also want to give the partners of those with OCD the permission to set their own boundaries and not feel like they need to become the therapist. 

If you find yourself trying to diagnose new compulsions, come up with treatments, or analyze how they’re doing from a clinical perspective, you’re allowed to tell yourself and your partner, “This actually isn’t my role in the relationship. Let’s bring this up to your therapist in your next session.”

That way, you can respect your own boundaries, reiterate your role in the relationship, and place the responsibility of diagnosing and treating back on the therapist.”

“I Love You, and I’m Not Going to Do That.”

Instead of participating in your partner’s OCD rituals or answering the same reassurance question for the 15th time, you can say, “I love you, and I’m not going to do that.”

This allows you to turn down the OCD compulsion, rather than rejecting your partner. 

Answering to compulsions in this way may feel uncomfortable at first, for both of you. But this allows you to stop feeding into the OCD cycle while respecting your boundaries. When this is done consistently and compassionately, this boundary can help reduce your role in your partner’s OCD cycle.

Normalizing That Your Emotions are Equally Important

When your partner is anxious or spiraling, your nervous system feels that energy too. It’s very normal to feel irritated, overwhelmed, pressured, and even responsible for fixing it.

In high-intensity moments, instead of telling them that it’s their OCD, you can regulate yourself first by saying:

  • “I need a moment to myself.”

  • “I’m going to take a walk, and we can talk about this later.”

  • “This isn’t a good time for me to talk about/do this.”

Taking a moment for yourself allows you to de-escalate heightened emotions, which protects both of you from saying things you don’t mean. Then, when things calm down later, you can revisit the conversation in a way that feels calm and controlled. A great line to start with is:

“Earlier, it felt like you were asking me to help with a compulsion. I want to support you getting better, not the OCD. Let’s have a conversation about it now that I’m more regulated.”

You can love your partner while protecting your peace. 

Give Their OCD a Name

This is a simple thing that can really instill teamwork while setting boundaries without blame. Many couples have success by giving their OCD a name. Like an ACTUAL human name!

Jessica, Barry, whatever fits.

When their OCD has a physical name, you’re able to refer to the OCD in a way that feels like both of you vs. OCD, rather than you vs. your partner. 

This also helps reduce blame and defensiveness around your partner’s OCD. Instead of saying, “WHY are you doing this?” the tone becomes more along the lines of, “Barry is loud right now.”

Reframing Boundaries as a Form of Love

We commonly hear from partners that they feel bad setting boundaries, and they don’t want to say no when their partner is struggling.

But from a clinical point of view, when boundaries aren’t held, resentment grows. And when resentment grows, it starts eating away at the romantic partner connection.

Boundaries are a very healthy way to protect the relationship! 

Just like ERP, we teach people to tolerate distress instead of neutralizing it with compulsions. It’ll feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a good thing to communicate your boundaries.

That can look like:

  • Not engaging in reassurance cycles

  • Not avoiding people, places, or plans that reduce anxiety

  • Protecting your hobbies and plans

  • Going out with friends without feeling guilty

  • Not making yourself the primary anxiety regulator at all times

You’re allowed to decide what your boundaries are and consistently hold your boundaries when your partner is having a hard time with their OCD. 

Become Included in Their OCD Treatment

While this may feel uncomfortable, it can be very helpful to attend their OCD treatment sessions.

By joining in on their sessions, you can:

  • Learn tools to help navigate their OCD compulsions

  • Have another person help you communicate boundaries

  • Understand their OCD patterns from a clinical point of view

If your partner is nervous about having you join their sessions, we created a blog about involving partners in OCD treatment. 

And if You’re a Primary Caretaker, This is for You

Many romantic partners of people with OCD also carry the mental load of the household. From managing schedules, cleaning, raising children, and needing to remember everything, it’s a lot! And on top of that, navigating your partner’s OCD.

You may feel like you always have to drop everything to take care of them. It’s also hard to carve out time for yourself, because things feel like they could fall apart when you do.

But we want you to know that handling everything can lead to burnout. When you set healthy boundaries with your partner’s OCD, it allows you to stabilize and think clearly. You can’t fill from an empty cup.

Support for Romantic Partners at Soultality Psychotherapy in Boston, MA

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has OCD and you’re feeling overwhelmed, confused, or unsure how to respond, we want you to know that 1) this is very normal. 2) You don’t have to figure this out alone. 

At Soultality, we work with romantic partners navigating OCD and help them find ways to strengthen the relationship while finding healthy ways to manage their partner’s OCD. 

If you’re looking for support as a partner, we offer a FREE support group for romantic partners of people with OCD. It’s a space to ask questions, find common ground, and learn how to respond in ways that align with your partner’s treatments, while protecting your wellbeing. You can join our next group session here. 

Julia Hale